Friday, October 31, 2014

that Loving Realness.


I feel like music sparks a light in us. An emotion, a thought, a certain mood.

Put on Damien rice, Delicate while reading this. Feel it.

I crave a relationship  right now. Not just a physical relationship or something superficial.  A real relationship.  Real.

On my way to work today, I was rubbing the sleep still out of my eyes and saw something that affected me. As I was driving down the freeway, I looked at the car next to me and noticed a couple in a car.  The woman was driving with one hand and eating a breakfast sandwich with the other. She had her hair up, loose brown strands here and there, obiviously battling bed-head. She had a super cute smile as she sported an oversized hoody on. We came to a stop at a red light and I noticed she had no make up on and was just smiling and laughing with her guy friend in the passenger seat. Sure enough he was eating his fast food meal as well, all cozy looking in sweats. It was a moment like this that made me realize that's what I was envious of. 

All too often we just assume people just want  a quick hook up. A fast Tinder one-nighter... Not me. I want  a 7:30 am, McDonald's, no make up laughable relationship.

I want some one who won't judge me for my morning breath, being in my pajamas eating terrible food at the crack of dawn and who will still laugh and smile and not worry what they look like.  All to often, we see that spark fade away.  Flirting stops and the "fun" of the relationship becomes a monotonous job. If you're in a relationship right now,  don't lose that Loving Realness..  I love the moment that I saw this morning because of how real it was. It was raw. Genuine.  I want to be real in my future relationships. I want raw emotion and be who I am and be loved for it.

   Who else wants that?
  Where's my best friend?
Who will just hold my hand and run with me?
  Who will fly with me?
   Will you fly with me?

Saturday, October 18, 2014


I feel like writing.  I think a lot. I keep a lot to myself. Maybe this will help.

Sometimes I feel vulnerable. I feel that I will be judged, or maybe even looked down on. I don't know where to even start with all the thoughts that are just jumbled and discombobulated in my head.  I guess there are topics that are more prevalent than others.  Deep breath. Breathe.

Life sucks. That's it. Life is hard. So damn hard. I always imagined things differently. I imagined ME differently.   You try and try and try, and then just end up sinking.  Sinking in a sea of doubt, regrets, wrong decisions, bad choices, and things that are completely out of your control.  I hate that. Control. I want to be in control. I hate not being able to change things when I want to. Is that bad? I don't want to come off as a whiny pessimist that has just been through a few hard times.  Judged. There it is. That feeling of being judged. Judge me.

I always imagined my journey different. I always imagined "bigger", "better" things.  I turn 27 in 9 days.  When I was younger, I thought i would be successful or stable; in control of my life.  Control.
Dammit. That's so hard to swallow. To accept that I'm not in control.  Trust me, there have been so many instances in my life where it didn't matter what I did, what I said,. It just didnt matter. . It wasn't enough. It was out of my control. Period.

They say time heals all things. 

I don't know. Maybe i am a pessimist.