Sunday, April 22, 2018

Love is absolutely, hands down the best thing that has ever happened to me.

Love is absolutely,  hands down the worst thing that has ever happened to me.

Nothing in life feels so Indescribably magical.

Nothing in life feels so indescribably painful.

After years of chaos and uncertainty,
It felt really nice to have some sort of stability.
You were my pillar.
Unknowing to me, you were crumbling away as I held on tight.
I didn't even see the fall happening.
I came crashing down hard as you whimsically disappeared in the dust of rubble.
I'm still looking at the pieces, torn and tattered, while the dust has settled somewhere else.

Tuesday, December 26, 2017

I don't think I can get used to the rain again.

It's as if I was walking down the road in the rain. A dark, muddy road.  At first, it was extremely difficult. I hated the water and I would trip all over. I stumbled almost every day.  I was soaking wet. The water hitting my face from falling so hard, hurt. My clothes were heavy. It didn't  even matter if I stopped walking, walked slowly or even tried to run. I couldn't shake the cold, wetness.  I was drenched to the core. My pant legs were caked with mud and my shoes hadn't been dry for who know's how long.  I guess I did this for years. I eventually became one with the rain. I no longer cared and it was just a facet of life. I was used to it. I expected it. I started to learn how to cope. How to take my mind off the hurt. How to forget how miserable I was.  Once you do something long enough, you forget how things used to be I suppose.

Then, out of nowhere, someone looked at me and said " Hey you, come on in here .." and beckoned me to a warm cottage. I must have looked terrible. I can't imagine what they were thinking. Hesitantly though, I made my way inside. I didn't know what to do next because it was such a drastic change. It took a while for me to get dry.  It was foreign almost. I forgot what it was like to be dry. I hadn't experienced this for so long, that at first, I was shy. Almost timid.  I forgot what it was like to feel the warmth. I no longer heard the loud thuds of raindrops on my head or face. It was peaceful.   I felt different. I saw reds, oranges, and yellows instead of blues, blacks, and grays. I felt the hot fire, not cold water.  And it didn't matter if I sat down or walked around ... I felt good.  I loved it.

I didn't know how long it was going to last. It terrified me to think of going back outside again. I never wanted to lose that warm feeling again...

Then, abruptly I was outside again. My warm, dry clothes became wetter and wetter by the moment. I became so wet, it was as if someone had thrown me into a dark lake. I had been so used to the warm that this time the cold stung fiercer than before. It hurt everything. It was cold, bitter and unrelenting.  I cried because of the pain. Oh, how I longed for the cottage. What I would do to go back.  So I did. I knocked. Not once... but three times with no reply. I even waited. I thought that I could wait for the lights to turn back on. I looked but saw no fire lit.  I saw no beautiful bright colors. I saw nothing. I heard nothing.

I didn't see the point of waiting when they wouldn't answer the door. I guess I wasn't welcomed anymore. So I dragged my feet and begrudgingly drifted away.

Maybe there's hope for another cottage. Maybe I don't have to wait so long this time.

Maybe I should just get used to the rain.

Tuesday, August 8, 2017


So this is sad
But please don’t worry sweetheart,
the memories won't last.
You’ll move on quickly just as before
And I’ll be here stuck here wanting more

Is breaking hearts that easy for you?
Seems like this track’s been on repeat.
So remember when you kissed me hard
Cause these loving lips, you’ll never see

I’m the best at being second.
Never meant to be number one.
No sense of what it feels like
to be someone’s someone.

I guess this is where you’ve had enough.
I hope you find that life you want.
It just hurts like hell.
And I wish you still cared.

M. McKell
DC, A, 

Friday, June 23, 2017

Its the small things

It’s the long drives when you realize it.
In between the songs playing
Right when the windows are down
And her hair is floating in the air
You feel it deep inside you
That feeling of not wanting to lose her