Tuesday, September 22, 2015

I shout to you.

When we were growing up, so many of us were told that we were so special, different and unique.  As we begin to grow up we believe these lies. It's not until we experience the tough, calloused challenges of life that don't cease on a day to day basis. We stop looking at ourselves and realize that life treats everyone the same. Everyone will experience heartbreak, disappointment and discomfort.  All know what lonely nights and life changing realizations will feel like.

Some of us are equipped better to deal and cope with the hardships. The ones to get through them, are considered normal and that's what is expected of them.  But what about the ones that simply cannot cope? The ones that do not go unscathed but have the rips and tears of life embedded and marked upon their skin? Is it that they feel too much ?  Is it that they are not mentally competent to just get through the tragedies of life? Perhaps.

Many of us ponder this perplexing fact. We yearn for answers and we never settle for a illogical pious response. We need to know that our screaming hearts are alive. Maybe we need the reassurance that normality is a human made concept. A concept that fits the society molds as acceptable.  No, no, no, I will not settle for your mediocre response! Take me to another place!

Take me to the stars. Take me to far off places of new! Where you can be whatever is in your heart and people there can express themselves without worry of judgment! Anxiety and sadness leave me! Let me feel and love and learn and exist.  Yes! Yes! Yes! Please give me the sunset and dark star laden-skies. Let me be alive in love and enjoying the embrace of my paramour! Let me know that is perfectly fine to be broken and to feel the deep wounds of sorrow.

Yes. This place does exist though, for my heart tells me so. In my mind, in my body, and in my heart. It fills my lungs with an exuberant flame. I know that it must be.

Special. Unique. Different. It comes after we realize that we are not these things that we truly can embark on the journey to become these things. Yes. My heart is so very different and thoughts are so very unique. We become what we want to be. A lover. A philosopher. A skeptic. A  dreamer. A leader. 

Maybe that is the gatekeeper. The realization and the self awareness of just how small we truly are. Only then can we rise to the possibility of a new human being.

Friday, September 11, 2015


If she hadn't have torn me to pieces, completely broken up, I would have never found the one to masterfully put me back together, woven ever so tightly with something never intertwined before.

But then there are nights that I ask myself:
"How strange is it that I'm not even able to ask you how you are? "

Thursday, September 10, 2015

I lost you

But here I sit
all alone
unknowing what to think
All I have
is dead gone
Unable to breathe, all I do is sink

The darkness,
the sadness,
this loneliness inside,
How can anyone feel this way ?
To everyone else, all I do is hide.

Unsure of how to cope,
and unsure of what to do.
I hate myself so incredibly much.
I hate
I hate
that I lost you.

The questions I have,
No response would ever do.
Not one of them would bring her back
And I've lost all hope anew

Weaks after Weeks

It's the people chatting that resonates with me. My mind floats atop the air,  adrift among the laughter. Everyone is deep in their own, little or massive lives. Here I was just enjoying a cold, blonde lager. No one knew me or even cared and  I was OK with that. I thoroughly enjoyed the atmosphere of the many dishes clanking, inaudible chatter and the food inquisitions. Inside of all the chaos, was simplicity. Just another vibrant Saturday night with dim brown, and red lights. No more work for the weak/week. No more responsibility to our underpaid jobs. None of us had to wake up the next morning on a schedule to be at a place at a certain time. Well, maybe someone did, but they sure as hell didn't show it. Tonight was our night. We damn well didn't own the night, it owned us. It knew and knew we would be there . Weeks after weeks with friends and acquaintances, ordering drinks, dancing, dressing up and putting on cologne or perfume. We all needed the break. We all needed a moment where we could breathe in the tobacco scented air and drink the dark bitters. Somehow that made us feel better.

You could say that we knew what tomorrow would bring. Sleeping the day away, making love in the morning sunlight, wretched hangovers or visiting church for others. But none of that mattered tonight. Not that it was special or that anything particularly was happening, It was simply another Saturday night. It could be June or October and it still wouldn't matter. This was the night that everyone, everywhere can just be. We could  be a little more real, we wanted to be real. We all yearned for it. No more career masks or fake smiles. No more Stressful deadlines that drove us completely mad.  No more expectations that were entirely unrealistic. Here was different. Here was the difference.  Here was a cool gasp of air that filled our lungs and filled us with life!  This was a recharge station for the week/weak to come. We  really  exist here  and that was OK. That is what was needed.