Part 2

BOOM BOOM BOOM

I heard loud bangs on my overhead garage door. I looked over my right shoulder at the garage entrance door. I knew it was dead bolted. I didn't know or even really comprehend who then started to hit the large, wooden door. It had to be someone my parents called. BOOM! Someone was kicking at the door.  As I looked at the door with glazed eyes, I saw it happen. Each thud was louder than the last. CRACK! The door flew open and pieces of wood went flying. Cops. It was the police. The officer ran over to the car and tried opening my passenger door. It was locked. Immediately he drew his telescope police baton. As he cranked back his arm, about ready to break the car window to get me out, I panicked and tried to reach over and unlock the door. He stopped inches from the window. I braced for impact. He screamed at me "Unlock the door!" I complied. He opened the door, reached in, turned off my car and took my keys.

Before the police had arrived, I had actually calmed down. I was no longer crying but was trying to embrace my outcome. I remember feeling nauseated at first. Then my head was pounding. It was textbook symptoms of CO poisoning. As I sat there comfortably, thoughts of my son went through my head. I wished he would understand one day. Understand that I loved him dearly. But it didn't matter, I had failed. Then thoughts of my friends and of course my family surfaced. I would miss them. I was hoping that they would miss me too.  I  didn't know who even cared about me anymore. I was low. Pretty, pretty low.

The officer quickly came around to my door and grabbed me and helped me get out. It wasn't a "you're-under-arrest" type of grab, rather, a saving one. At this point, I lost control of my emotions again. The tears flowed freely. I could barely breathe. He lead me outside to the fresh air and had me sit down in front of my garage. I put my head in my hands and sobbed like a child. I ran my fingers through my red hair and couldn't believe what was happening. Every emotion was coursing through me.  What did I just do?  Why did I call or text? I should have kept to myself. I'm so pathetic crying here.  There were two other officers that were also there that I hadn't even noticed. I remember them trying to ask me questions and trying to get me to talk to them. I couldn't. It was too much. Where does my life go from here? Did it just get worse? I didn't think that was possible, but there I was, sobbing outside on the cold cement ground where the Cottonwood Heights police department had just saved my life. I tried thinking of what was going to happen next.  I couldn't even process it. It was too much. All of a sudden, all those feelings went away. I didn't care. It didn't matter. I just wanted to cry. That's all I could do. So I did.

A fire truck and ambulance also came racing to my house. There were sirens and lights everywhere.  I remember the paramedics trying to get oxygen on me. My thoughts were a blur though. " We are going to put this oxygen mask on you OK?" they talked to me like you would a toddler.   I didn't respond. It was too hard. I just let them work on me and do their thing. I then heard a familiar voice.  "Yeah, I'm his brother…"  I looked up. I knew it wasn't my brother, It was my best friend. He was the first one there. We had worked together everyday for the last two years but had known each other since 5th grade. I looked up at him. I caught his eye but had to look away and continue on in my miserable tears. I didn't want to be a failure in his eyes.  When I finally realized that I was going to be seeing more people that I knew, it made me feel worse. I didn't want to see or talk to anyone. I didn't want to answer any questions. I didn't want to put up with their glares or judgement.  It was so hard. I felt trapped. I wanted to get away but it felt as if I was strapped into a roller coaster and had to ride it. There was nothing I could do. I couldn't run away. Reality was coming like a freight train, and the brakes had been cut. Everyone was going to know my downfalls. Everyone was going to know. Everyone would see my secrets.

Before I knew it, I was on the ambulance in route to the hospital. I was on oxygen. and was upright in the stretcher. I still cried. I couldn't help myself. It was as if I was not in control. My body just weeped.  At times, I didn't even know why.  I finally started talking to the EMT and paramedic. I answered the standard protocol questions. Whats my name, date of birth, was I on any medications, etc. 


At the hospital, I got my own little room in the ER while the nurses and doctors did blood work and checked my vitals. I was finally trying to consciously compose myself. Trying to hold back the anxiety, pain and fear. They stationed a nurse outside my door with a little desk and chair to watch over me. Suicide watch. I thought to myself. They gave me a warm blanket to cover myself. and to try and offer some type of comfort I guess. I laid there for about 10 minuets then my nurse came in. "Your parents have been here ever since you arrived and are wanting to come back and see you. Would that be OK? You don't have to at all. Its completely up to you."  In the tiniest voice, I whimpered, "I just don't want them to be mad at me... I, I, cant take that." She smiled warmly and assured me "They wont, Ill make sure of it, Morgan. "  "OK, you can get them"

I remember my mothers face first. She had tears in her eyes and I could tell she was beyond worried. She came in and hugged me tightly and cried. I cried too of course. At this point, I didn't think I had any tears left in me, but somehow I did. She stood there, bed-side with her loving arms around me and just held me. I cried and cried into her shoulder and she wept into mine. At this moment, this exact moment, I knew that things would be OK. I didn't know how. I didn't know when. I just knew. My mothers love had just given me hope. It was the first time in months I had felt such a feeling.




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