Simple reflections.

I want to preface this by saying that I am OK. This is a personal look into my mindset after my divorce.  I do not miss my ex wife as in I would want her back or something. She is actually engaged and I just reflected on some things today. I have dated since and have been in a couple relationships this year. I have been divorced for almost two years now. I am happier now than I have been in a long time. I will actually write about some of my darker moments in the future.  But I decided to re-visit some memories of how I felt or what I went through mentally.  This is to remember where I have been, what I have gone through, and where I am now. I have grown so much this last year emotionally. Just thought it would be healthy to reflect on some things. A great man once said " How can we truly understand who we are unless we know who we were and what we have the power to become? How can there be real identity without real history?" 

About a year ago I wrote this to a friend,

"You asked the other night what hurts me the most about my Ex. After thinking it through , it comes down to two things.
1. I really miss my best friend. It's hard thinking you can completely trust and confide in someone and then watch them completely forget about you, move on like nothing ever existed between the two of you. I miss my friend. Before marriage, there was a friendship. A deep friendship for years. I miss that connection. having someone to listen to me. Having someone to confide in me their tough days and  fears.
2. Watching her move  on and have a serious relationship so quickly makes me feel like I was so easy to get over and just be forgotten. Like I didn't mean anything. Like I wasn't worth remembering.   First it makes me feel like I wasn't good enough or just literally easy to forget.  Second, it makes me feel like there is something wrong with me as in I should be able to let go of her just as easily. Maybe I have a problem and I'm not normal cause I can't let go.

Those are what hurt the most "

I hope someone reading this will relate to these feelings. I know  I don't want to feel alone in my feelings. I want to know that what I feel is normal and other people experience these things. For anyone experiencing any of these emotions, just know this, its completely normal. And no, I am not alone in my feelings, and you are not alone in yours.

Since I wrote this, I am definitely not having such negative outlook on whats "wrong" with me. I feel so much better these days and have found a lot of joy in different aspects of life.
 
One of the things that really helps me now to know that I'm ok. Is knowing that I will find someone else who will make me happier than I was. I will find my best friend again. That excites me.

Growing up is a funny thing. Its not just this moment that happens, its just an accumulation of experiences and knowledge we discover.  I often find myself thinking  " I should have done that." or " I should have done this." I realize now the things I should have done or could have done differently, are just choices I will make in the future. I will be a little better here and there. Ill continue to grow. I will continue to have experiences that will help me. Im grateful for that. Im grateful for change. Im grateful for growth.  As hard as it has been "cutting back that currant bush" ,  I know it is worth it. And that my friends, really makes me happy.

-M

California Changes.