The Jaguar

Intermission:

It was a steal of a deal for the slick black Jag.  It had leather interior and low miles because of a rebuilt engine.  It was only a  fraction of the price of other comparable models. The only cosmetic issue was a battle wound on the side that left some paint scratched. It wasn't bad at all though. My best friend succumbed to desire and brought it home that night.  Little did he know, it really was too good to be true.

It was a junk yard motor that was crap. He ended up putting in $6000 towards a fuel pump, O2 sensors, new tires, rims, wire harness and exhaust system when all said and done. Countless trips to the mechanic pushed him to his limits.

I remember going to at least to three mechanic appointments. It finally came to the point where my friend was done. After picking his car up after the many fixes, he asked the mechanic "What is she worth? I mean, if I decide to sell it ..."

The old mechanic had this look of surprise at first then his face shifted into thought. "Hmmpft" he sighed as he put his fist under his chin, still deep in thought. His overalls were all black with grease. I think at one time they might have been blue. His hands seemed stained with thick motor oil. It was sure that he knew his ins and outs.  He cleared his throat. " The thing is..." He said. " This car just don't have a pretty story. I don't know who would want this car, let alone pay for it."  

Pierced. His words pierced my soul. Not because he was talking about a car. But because somehow I felt he was talking about me.  I didn't have a pretty story. Who would want me? 

We grow up our whole lives hearing how special and so talented we are. How we have so many great qualities and lovable attributes.  Well, sorry.  Life happens and changes everything. Life can be a cold-hearted  kick in the mouth.

You see, who would want a divorced, late twenties, guy with a kid? Who would want a guy with no college education who has a median income ? Who would want a guy who had a failed marriage? Who would want a guy who had attempted suicide? Doesn't that scream red flags? Is that not a deal breaker?  I don't have a pretty story. I did everything backwards of what I wanted to do, of what I intended to do.  Looking back, I was so caught up in the moment of things.

I served a two year mission for the LDS church. I intended to get home, go to college, date a lot and get married in the temple. I had every missionary's dream homecoming.

I was married six weeks after I returned home. Not in the temple, but at our local chapel. Two months later, my wife was pregnant with my son. We had ended up moving a few times and I never felt I had the opportunity to go to school. I had to provide for my family.  I picked up random jobs here and there throughout the first part of our marriage. Nothing career worthy.  Through stress, marriage and a kid, I put on weight. I  wasn't happy with my situation at all. It wasn't how I thought my life would go. All of this contributed to the end of my marriage. (This is a whole other post in itself)

So here I am 4 years later, hearing this wrinkled, seasoned mechanic say " It doesn't have a pretty story."

That old Jaguar and I had so much in common. We both started out new and shiny. We both started out with an awesome story.  Now here we were. All used and washed up with countless issues, problems and baggage.  Who would want me? 

I still relate to that damn car.  I have plenty of battle wounds just as the sports car did.  I still struggle countless times a day with the feeling of being inadequate.  I continue to push on as weak as I feel. I continue to find support in friends and family.

Unlike the Jaguar, I know I will, can and have been restored. Many of my issues have been overcome. A lot of baggage I had, has been unpacked and put away. Many scars have been healed and repaired.  I am changing week after week to become a better me.  Maybe I won't be new and shiny again. I definitely have a few miles under my hood. But I will be an steal of deal. No secrets, no surprises. No hidden issues.  I'll be ready to give it my all with confidence. I'll be ready to fly. I need someone who isn't afraid of a little wear and tear. I still have many, many miles left in me.

Who will fly with me?


-M


P.S. The Jaguar went on to bless a life tremendously. It brought happiness and eased the stress of another.  I like that.